5 tips for being charming

5 tips for being charming5 tips for being charmingBeing charming. Is there a mora enviable quality? Wed hate charming people if we didnt love them so much.Ive covered how to besexyandcoolbut charming, well, thats a whole nother beast. And what a beautiful beast it is.Were going to pull together the research from many, many well,fartoo many surces and create our own little Charm School here on the interwebz.Lets start with the fruchtwein fundamental dynamic in how people evaluate one another. Its how others judge you and how you judge others. And, amazingly, we get it wrong almost every timeThe Fundamental DynamicYou know how people always say first impressions are oh-so-important? A good body ofresearchshows theyre right. And, to add to that, once those impressions are set,expertssay theyre exceedingly hard to change.And that is downright scary. Its a lot of pressure. Were afraid of lookinglike an idiot when we first meet someone new. So often we try to impress them by appearing comp etent. Or maybe weplay it cool.Looking for an inspiring way to start your day? Sign up forMorning MotivationIts our friendly Facebook robot that will send you a quick note every weekday morning to help you start strong. Sign up here by clicking Get StartedOr maybe you do both. But if youre trying to be charming, that is aterribleideaHarvard research shows 80% of our judgments about people come down towarmth and competence. And the more important quality is warmth. Well take a lovable moron over a competent jerkmore oftenthan not.Being perceived as an idiot shouldnt be your biggest fear - being seen as cold should. You want to be in the right hand column, not the left.So whats the most important thing to do when it comes to being seen as warm? Former head of the FBIs Behavioral Analysis Program,Robin Dreeke, says its as simple as smiling more.Moreover, when meeting someone new, studies show people are unlikely to judge the interaction by how interesting you are. Theyre nervous too. Like you, they are more focused on whethertheyrescrewing up.FromThe Art of ConversationResearch has found that with a serious topic or a good friend, we measure a conversations success by how enthralled we were by what the other part said. Whereas, the less familiar the other person, the more trivial the topic, the likelier we are to rate the experience by our own performance.So to be charming, think less about being impressive, more about being warm, and more about whether the other person feels liketheyreperforming well.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)So we know whats important and the right attitude to take. But how should we act? And what error do we commonly make in our behavior? Well, to get this right, we need to take a lesson from Would you believe me if I said racists?Put Some Effort In, Willya?Racists often have to pretend to not be racist. And that requires work. So they put in the effort that many of us dont when interacting with others. So research shows, believe it or not,racists often make a better first impressionWe tested the hypothesis that, ironically, Blacks perceive White interaction parteners who are more racially biased more positively than less biased White partners, primarily because the former group must make more of an effort to control racial bias than the latter.If you think Im encouraging or condoning racism youre insane. Dont be racist. Butdoput in some effort when meeting others. If it can make racists come off better, imagine what it can do for you.Making an effort sounds obvious but we just dont do it. We get lazy.Research shows that couples enjoy time together more when theypretend its their first date. Why? When youre on a first date you put more effort in.Think of a gracious host at a party. Theytry. They put in effort to make you feel welcome. To get to know you. To make sure you are introduced to others, that you have a drink and are comfortable. And when you feel awkward at the party you want to cling to them. Why? They went out of their way to be nice to you. Thats charm.Research shows that how you go into a conversation often determines the result. When were socially optimistic and expect others to like us,they often do. Meanwhilemistrustcan be a self-fulfilling prophecy.So make an effort. Dont play it cool.I like to frame it in my mind as How would I act if I had wanted to meet this person for a long time and finally got the opportunity?(To learn the 4 secrets to reading body language like an expert, clickhere.)So we know the right attitude and how to behave. But were not out of the woods yet.You may find yourself in the ninth circle of Small Talk Hell where traitors to charming conversation are condemned to an eternity of making comments about the weatherWhat is the point of small talk? How do you do it well? And how do you break free from it and connect on a deeper level?Small Talk = Seeking SimilarityWhat should your goal be when makin g small talk? Ask questions to find points of similarity. Similarity is extraordinarily powerful when it comes to bonding and this is backed bymore studiesthan you would ever want to read.Best part? The similarity doesnt even have to be something deep or serious to have profound effects.FromHow To Have A Good DayLauren Rivera, a sociologist at Northwestern University, found that 74% of recruiting managers at prestigious firms reported that their most recent hire had a personality similar to mine. How did they decide they were similar? It wasnt a particularly deep assessment. One of the most important factors was having familiar leisure pursuits, such as a shared interest in sports or technology.And when you find that similarity, dont be afraid to show some enthusiasm. You dont have to hop up and down. Be calm and speak slowly but positive emotions, passion, and being excited about something are good. Isnt that who youd like to spend time with?Professor Stephen Ceci taught his class the way he had for the past 20 years, replicating nearly everything imaginable - except he started speaking with moreenthusiasm. What happened?His student ratings went up - in every single category.FromThe Tell The Little Clues That Reveal Big Truths about Who We AreAnd you want your body language to be open and comfortable. Think expanding. Body movements that go up and out are good. Anything that compresses or squeezes is bad. Heres FBI behavior expertRobin DreekeI always want to make sure that Im showing good, open, comfortable non-verbals. I just try to use high eyebrow elevations. Basically, anything going up and elevating is very open and comforting. Anything that is compressing lip compression, eyebrow compression, where youre squishing down, thats conveying stress.So you know how to handle small talk - but now how do you escape it? Nothings worse than being mired in banality. Were going to cast three powerful scientific charm spells at onceHit them with the trifecta of as incere compliment,vulnerability, and arequest for advice. This is a great combo-verstrker for deepening a bond, humanizing yourself and taking the conversation to another level.Is the person youre talking to in good shape? Then its as simple as, You look like you hit the gym a lot. Ive really let myself go over the past year. Id really appreciate any exercise tips you have.You paid them an honest compliment, you opened up about something many people might be reluctant to admit, and positioned them as an expert. Who wouldnt be flattered?(To learn the top 6 influence techniques of hostage negotiators, clickhere.)By asking for advice, you build a more trusting connection and move on to a meatier subject. And it gets them talking. You just need to focus on listening. Problem is, most of us are terrible at listening. Whats the secret to being a good listener?They Need ToKnowYoure ListeningAt some point someone has angrily asked you, Are you listening to me? And you probably responded, Of course, I am. And you probably were. So whats the problem here? You werent making itclearyou were listening.And the best way to do that is to ask good questions. If you were to say, Every morning I dream about poisoning my co-workers coffee and someone responded with, Arsenic and cyanide are old standbys but have you considered thallium? Its odorless, colorless and tasteless this would make two things clear. First, they are definitely listening to you. Second, this is not someone you want to make angry.Robin Dreekesays the best questions are open-ended, beginning with how or what. Theyre great because someone cant easily answer them with one word and they keep the conversation going.Actively showing interest in others is powerful.When people speak, the best responses are bothactive and constructive. Whats that mean?It is engaged, enthusiastic, curious and has supportive nonverbal action. Ask questions. Be excited. Ask for details. Smile. Touch. Laugh.ViaFlourish A Visionary New Und erstanding of Happiness and Well-beingYou want to let them do the bulk of the talking but you dont want this to feel like an interrogation or a therapists office. You need to talk too.Share something related, preferably emphasizing similarity yet again, and bounce the ball back with another open-ended question.Remember what the research said theyll judge the interaction by how well they feeltheydid. So donotplay the one-up game, where youre trying to top their story. Theyll feel bad and youll end up in the cold-competent quadrant. No bueno.You can accept everything they say without having toagreewith everything they say. Nod your head and dont pick fights. So none of that I was just being honest argument-inducing nonsense.To prozentanteil political communication expertFrank Luntz, Its not what you say, its what they hear.Directness is the privilege of intimacy.Dont be blunt with people you barely know and rarely be blunt with people youdoknow. Thats acting like warmth doesnt matter, and as we saw above, it matters more than anything else.(To learn a clinical psychologists 7 steps for making difficult conversations easy, clickhere.)Okay, the conversation is humming along and youre pretty darn charming. Time to hit them with the knockout punchGive Them The Thing We All WantShould we give them a big, flattering compliment and tell them theyre awesome? Nope.The fact is people dont just want to be seen positively they want to be seenas they see themselves. Whats the thing we all want? To feel understood.FromNo One Understands You and What to Do About ItPsychologists call this the desire for self-verification, and it is a profound and universal need. People become really uncomfortable when they get compliments (or criticism) they feel they genuinely dont deserve. What this means for you is that praising someone for a quality they dont believe they possess can backfire on you big-time. The best way to steer clear of this problem is to stick with truthful affirmations . In other words, affirm the abilities and accomplishments that you have direct evidence of- the ones that you know to be authentic and genuinely admire.So how do you do this? Youve been putting effort into the conversation, right? Asking good questions? Well, then its not too hard to suss out how this person sees themselves and what traits they value.If you listen to people, they will tell you who they are. And professorSam Gosling(who I think of as the academic Sherlock Holmes) says what they tell you is usually accurateIdentity claims are deliberate statements we make about our attitudes, goals, values, etcOne of the things thats really important to keep in mind about identity statements is because these are deliberate, many people assume we are being manipulative with them and were being disingenuous, but I think theres little evidence to suggest that that goes on. I think generally people really do want to be known. Theyll even do that at the expense of looking good. Theyd rath er be seen authentically then positively if it came down to that choice.So compliment them on who they tell you they are. Its not that hard. Former FBI lead international hostage negotiatorChris Vosssays its as simple as listening and paraphrasing what they say to you.And even if you get it wrong, youre still doing great. Theyll correct you. This is called getting to know them better. And the fact that youre trying to get to know them better is very, very flattering. Humbly revise your statement, paraphrasing what they told you.This is what leads to that powerful feeling of this person gets me. And nothing feels better than that.(To learn the two-word morning bung that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Charm School students, class is dismissed. Weve learned a lot. Lets round it up and learn how to do all of this so its sincereSum UpThis is how to be charmingThe Fundamental Dynamic Warmth is more important than competence. Better to be seen as a lovable idiot than a cold, compe tent Evil Genius.Put in some effort, willya? They will judge the interaction by how they feeltheydid. So help them do good.Gracious hosts make an effort.Small talk = seek similarity And once youve found it, offer asincere compliment, show vulnerability, and ask for advice.You hate small talk? Me too. Youve done a great job of reading this so far. Sometimes I have trouble reading long blog posts. Whats your secret?They need toknowyoure listening Ask open-ended questions, be active and constructive, and contribute but dont one-up.Give them the thing we all want We all want to feel understood. Understand?Now I get to sit back and wait for the emails from friends saying, Eric, why dont you do any of this whenImtalking with you? Well, the best footballcoachesare not necessarily the best footballplayers. But I try.If youre not naturally charming (and Im usually about as charming as a brick through a plate glass window) this stuff takes some practice. Which raises an important issue if you make these changes, are you being inauthentic?Not if you have the other persons best interests in mind. When I spoke toHarvard Business School professorGautam Mukundahe saidChanging yourself is not inauthentic. Part of what people do is they change. They evolve, they can grow, and they can change themselves.So what is it to be authentic? It doesnt mean you cant change, but it does mean that the changes that you make, again, have to be aligned with the sense of who you really are, and who you want to be.In fact, research shows that when you try to be your best self, you end uppresenting your true selfIn sum, positive self-presentation facilitates more accurate impressions, indicating that putting ones best self forward helps reveal ones true self.To be charming, try to bring out the best in others. And you dont have to be inauthenticJust be the best version of who you already are.Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticleoriginally appeared atBarkin g Up the Wrong Tree.